


give me touch, 'cause i've been missing it

by Applemysteries



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Veronica Mars Holiday Gift Exchange 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 16:58:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5673601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applemysteries/pseuds/Applemysteries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Mac interacting with Meg and/or Lilly (can be romantic or platonic, happy or sad). </p>
<p>She should say something, something to make this whole ordeal less painfully awkward, to make it seem like she isn’t totally intruding and saving this moment for blackmail, but the only words that are even coming to mind are <em>ever since you touched my wrist at that store that one time that you definitely don’t remember, I swear to god I’ve been falling in love with you</em>, and she’s way too smart to ever say that out loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	give me touch, 'cause i've been missing it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kikitheslayer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikitheslayer/gifts).



**December 14th, 2002 and January 6th, 2003**

She overheard the vaguely familiar sounds of them arguing before she actually caught sight of either of them – notorious Neptune High couple Lilly Kane and Logan Echolls, bickering back and forth about the cost of the clothes.

_That must be a first,_ she thought bitterly, inwardly cringing as she continued to walk towards the shirt section. Logically, she knew neither of them would recognize her -- it’s not like they ran in even remotely the same social circle -- but still, she could feel her hand growing clammier by the second as she clutched the gift card that had been an early Christmas gift from an overzealous aunt-by-marriage that her parents, particularly her father, resented beyond all measure.

And yet her enthusiastic offer to simply toss the gift card into the nearest trashcan had been swiftly rejected, which was how she’d found herself at the J. Crew store bright and early that Saturday morning, surrounded by the very same people who went out of their way to make her elementary, middle, and high school experiences comparable to swallowing glass.

All she had to do was pick out a single hundred dollar shirt, return to the safety of her home, show her mother the shirt with a forced smile, bury the offending capitalist item deep into the recesses of her closet, and then bask in the serenity that was her bedroom and her world returned to normal. Taking a deep breath for courage, she approached the opposite end of the rack Lilly Kane currently stood in front of, holding out two, admittedly gorgeous, shirts for Logan Echolls to weigh in on.

“All I asked was which shirt you thought Veronica would like better,” Lilly huffed, her teeth gritted as she stared down her boyfriend. “I didn’t ask for your opinion on the price tag.”

“And all I said,” Logan countered, “Was that both of those shirts would make Veronica uncomfortable because we both know she’ll take one look at the price tag, figure out how much you spent on it, and then get all weird about money because she always gets weird about money.”

“It’s Christmas,” Lilly insisted. “And just because _you’re_ a horrendous old Grinch around the holiday season doesn’t mean the rest of us are.”

“ _You’re_ missing the point.”

Lilly suddenly swiveled on her heel, turning away from Logan and back to the clothing rack, her long blonde hair sweeping as she did so, somehow dazzling even in the harsh fluorescent light.

Mac had to remind herself to look back down at the green sweater in her hand before either of the duo caught her staring -- the last thing she needed was the King of temper tantrums and anger issues catching her ogling his girlfriend. Or, worse, Lilly would think she was checking out Logan and the police would find her beaten and dismembered body scattered across the continent.

She was so busy trying not to look, or listen, to either 09er that she didn’t even register the hand curling around her wrist until her vision was wavering and the assailant yanked her to face them. _Fuck,_ was the only thing she had time to think before Lilly’s green eyes were boring into her own.

“Sorry,” the older girl said animatedly, her words coming out rushed and slightly breathless. “But my boyfriend is being completely _useless,_ and I really need an opinion on which shirt to buy my best friend.”

“Uh….” Mac began eloquently, her eyes now transfixed on Lilly’s delicate fingers, which were still curved around Mac’s wrist.  

“Oh, sorry!” Lilly repeated, withdrawing her hand. “Sometimes when I get really into something I get kinda grabby.” She made a what-can-you-do shrugging gesture, before waggling the two shirt options for Mac to see.

“They’re both nice,” she offered weakly, but she needn’t have bothered as Lilly promptly spoke over her, comparing the stylistic choices of the shirts, and the potential they had for enriching Veronica’s overall quality of life, as well as the risk that Veronica would just politely accept the gift and then never have the gall to wear it.

“Babe,” Logan interjected after what felt like eight solid minutes of Lilly talking. “She doesn’t care.”

Mac watched in amazement as Lilly reached her arm behind her and pinched Logan hard in the side, making the boy yelp, without breaking the flow of her one sided discussion on the validity of the alleged fashion forward ways of the muppet coat, a clothing item Lilly seemed convinced would pair nicely with one of the tops she’d selected for Veronica, yet she knew Veronica would never put on.

“In conclusion, both these shirts are fabulous, which is no surprise due to my excellent fashion taste, but I need to know which one is better.”

Mac didn’t have the heart to tell Lilly that she hadn’t understood a single word the girl had said, or that she was in no way qualified or interested in making fashion choices for other people, so instead she pointed blindly at the top on the right and nodded with as much confidence as she could muster.

“See!” Lilly called brightly over her shoulder. “She did care! And, unlike you, she actually knows how to be polite and answer people’s questions.”

Logan muttered something indistinct yet unmistakably sulky in response, and Lilly’s hand found it’s way to Logan’s chest, lightly scratching and caressing the area in comfort and reassurance.

Mac felt a sudden, intense yearning over take her, her flesh erupting in goosebumps. _Oh god,_ she thought, turning away from the sudden intimacy and tenderness of the couple and focusing her attention back on the clothes, a burning sensation travelling up her neck and her ears and her cheeks, the pinked flushness of her skin betraying her emotions. _Oh good god, I have feelings for Lilly Kane. I have a crush on Lilly freaking Kane._

The realization made her stomach do somersaults, her hands frantically clutching at the fabrics in front of her, trying to rid them of their sudden insistence on shaking. Of course, because her life wasn’t a big enough joke already, Lilly and Logan took that precise moment to remember that she was still alive.

She jumped at the sudden sensation of Lilly’s hand enclosing once again around her wrist, the girl swiveling Mac so that they could be face to face.

“I just wanted to say thank you for helping me pick a shirt, that was really cool of you, especially since I didn’t even get your name. Which reminds me! I’m Lilly and he’s Logan,” she relaxed back into Logan as she spoke, wrapping one of his arms around her and tangling her free hand with his.

Mac’s heart skipped a beat as Lilly held Logan’s hand, wanting, suddenly, out of what seemed like nowhere, to be the one Lilly Kane held hands with, to be the one she chose above everyone else to spend her company with, to be the one she looked at with glowing love and adoration.

“I’m Mac,” she managed, her voice hardly above a whisper. “We, actually, uh, we go to school together.”

She caught the smirk blooming across Logan’s face as Lilly’s forehead scrunched in confusion, her heart sinking as her suspicions were confirmed. Up until this moment, and likely even during this moment, Lilly had no idea she existed.

“We do?” Lilly asked, twisting to face Logan for confirmation.

Mac took advantage of her distraction and freed her wrist from Lilly’s grasp, who didn’t even seem to notice, her attention solely on her boyfriend.

“We do,” Logan confirmed, and Mac suspected he was swallowing laughter.

“Why didn’t you say anything?!”

“I thought you knew,” he said, but Mac could tell from the occasional twitch of his lips that he was lying. He’d known Lilly hadn’t recognized her and had let this happen anyway for his own personal amusement. “She’s in my grade.”

“Well that explains it then,” Lilly snapped, obviously clued in to the fact that Logan was lying and had let her make a fool of herself for kicks. “She’s a freshman. I don’t like freshman.”

“Oh, come on!” Logan groaned as Lilly flounced away from him, the shirt Mac picked out swinging from her hand. “It was funny!”

When he got no response the boy ran after her, and Mac watched from afar as Logan peppered Lilly’s face and neck with kisses in the checkout line, until Lilly’s face melted from displeasure into unfettered amusement, her laughter ringing through the store.

Mac turned away from the sight and tried not to cry.

The Monday school resumed after Winter Break, Mac saw Lilly walking down the hallway, her right arm linked with Veronica Mars, who was dressed in the red sweater Mac had voted for. She was formulating a way to compliment the sweater without sounding desperate or pathetic or creepy, when Logan came bounding around the corner, Veronica promptly rushing into his arms, squealing.

“I thought you weren’t getting back until tonight!” she gushed. “Did you know he was back?”

“Of course,” Lilly said, grinning from Veronica’s infectious excitement. “Where do you think he slept last night?”

“Okay, gross,” Veronica frowned, leaning away from Logan’s hug.

Logan laughed, unapologetic, pulling her back into his embrace.

Lilly threw herself into the hugging fray, wrapping her arms tight around both of them, her face beaming in what Mac could only describe as pure, giddy, delight.

Later, listening to her teacher drone on about classroom expectations, Mac came up with a new resolution. Someday, someday she was going to get Lilly Kane to look at her like that, like she was the only thing that mattered in the whole wide world.

Someday she was going to get Lilly Kane to gaze at her with endless, unwavering delight.

//

**September 29th, 2003**

To say she was startled would be an understatement. All she’d wanted to do was really, thoroughly wash the potential squid excrement off of her hands in private and escape the obnoxious, taunting laughter of the male 09er idiots who had thought it would be hilarious to fling severed squid parts at their unsuspecting classmates whilst their teacher’s back was turned. But now her whole head was spinning, trying and failing to process the sight in front of her.

Lilly Kane.

Lilly Kane crying, no, _bawling_ her eyes out in the girl’s restroom.  

Lilly Kane bowed in half, looking like every drawing of Atlas Mac had ever seen, her whole body shuddering as sobs tore out of her, her fingers clutching the sink, rigid in their efforts to keep her from collapsing onto the tiled floor.

Mac knew she should leave. She should back quickly and quietly out of the bathroom, find Veronica Mars, and then spend the rest of her life pretending like this never happened. Like she never saw _this._

Instead, she let the door finish closing behind her and crossed the length of the room. She’s not qualified for this. She didn’t know anything about Lilly except for the fact that she was rich, had a younger brother, was best friends with Veronica, and was always dating and in love with Logan Echolls, even when she wasn’t. She didn’t know anything about her except for how soft her skin had felt pressed against her own, how the air had smelled like honey mixed with vanilla long after she had walked away, how her fingers had been nimble and surprisingly strong, but also gentle and caressing and tender.

_Leave,_ her mind urged, even as she hopped up onto the counter, her eyes fixed firmly on the door in case someone else should walk in unawares and find Lilly in this state. She might not know how to handle this situation  -- didn’t know Lilly’s favorite movie, or her favorite song, her favorite popsicle flavor, how her eyes lit up when she heard a joke, the curve of her mouth and the feel of her lips, the sound of her sighs and her breathy moans, how to comfort her when she was sad -- but she knew enough to know that the last thing Lilly wanted would be for the entire student body to know she’s having a total breakdown in the girl’s bathroom before it’s even noon.

She should say something, something to make this whole ordeal less painfully awkward, to make it seem like she isn’t totally intruding and saving this moment for blackmail, but the only words that are even coming to mind are _ever since you touched my wrist at that store that one time that you definitely don’t remember, I swear to god I’ve been falling in love with you,_ and she’s way too smart to ever say that out loud.

They were edging on nearly thirty minutes of complete, desolate silence -- aside from the brief interruption of the school bell that had signaled Mac was in fact ditching class for the very first time ever to watch her crush weep in the school bathroom -- when Lilly’s cries seemed to taper off and she managed a weak and pitiful, “They’re never going to forgive me.”

She wasn’t looking at Mac when she spoke, and her voice was so low that Mac could pretend as if she hadn’t heard it if she wanted to. She wished she was good with words, and could tell Lilly that everyone at this school adored her, and that they --  if they were in fact that people Mac suspected they were -- loved Lilly far more than they could ever love themselves, _would_ ever love themselves. She wished she could tell Lilly how dazzling she was, that she was worth a million of everyone at this school, that she was worth a million of everyone on the planet.

The words didn’t come, so instead she placed her hand on the small of the other girl’s back and watched the minutes tick past as Lilly slowly began to pull herself back together underneath her touch.

//

**October 10th, 2003 - October 14th, 2003**

It had been exactly one week since Lilly Kane had died. One week of media frenzy and students spontaneously bursting into tears in the halls. One week of the growing, gnawing absence of Lilly’s presence, made stronger by the fact that neither Duncan, Logan, nor Veronica had entered the premises since it had happened.

_On Monday she was alive and then on Friday she was dead._ It’s the thought that’s been running on a loop in Mac’s head since she found out, a thought she can’t shake no matter how hard she tries, no matter how hard she prays for it to go away.

She wants to talk to someone about it, to tell someone about it, about how sad and _small_ Lilly Kane had seemed, hunched over the bathroom countertop, her shoulders trembling with sobs.

She wants to tell someone that even with her splotchy cheeks and red rimmed eyes that Lilly Kane was still the most beautiful thing Mac had ever laid her eyes on -- will _ever_ lay her eyes on. And she wants to tell someone all about how her hand had trembled as she tentatively placed it on the small of Lilly’s back, too afraid and too unsure to rub comforting circles like she’d envisioned before making the gesture. How, despite the awkwardness of the moment, despite the continued hitching of her breath, Lilly Kane had turned her head to face her and managed a watery, grateful smile for Mac and Mac alone that made shivers race down her spine and warmth blossom and take root in her chest.

She wants to tell someone that she wishes she’d been brave enough, when Lilly was smiling at her, to reach her hand out and brush the loose tendril of Lilly’s hair back behind her ear. That she wishes she’d been brave enough to lean closer, pressing herself flush to the other girl, and ghost her lips across Lilly’s own.

She wants to tell someone that the night Lilly Kane died she curled up in the fetal position in her bed and cried into her pillow for over an hour and that the only feeling she’s felt since then is an ever persistent ache of loneliness. Like she’s lost, adrift.

She wants to grieve with someone, but she knows that she had no place in Lilly Kane’s life, has absolutely no claim to her memory. She hardly even knew the girl, she has no right to miss her, no right to mourn for her and disrespect the people who are actually grieving.

She wants to talk to someone, but instead she curls the fingers of her left hand around her wrist and tries to recapture that feeling. The steady pressure of even a small part of Lilly’s body against her own, the warmth that had emanated from the contact and had lingered long after Mac’s wrist had been relinquished. The sparkle in Lilly’s eyes and the lightness in the way she’d moved, utterly youthful and carefree. She wants to share the knowledge that Lilly had felt the flutter of Mac’s pulse beneath her fingertips, erratic and hopeful and quivering, and that Lilly had held on anyway.

She wants to open up to someone, but instead she squeezes her wrist until it bruises and watches the world fall apart without her.

//

**December 25th, 2003**

Her mom was staring at her expectantly, her hands nervously wrung together as Mac opened her final Christmas gift.

Mac tried to force a convincing smile onto her face as she freed the grey muppet coat from the tissue paper, the soft texture everything she had been expecting and everything she had been dreading.

“I love it,” Mac declared, bright smile in place, valiantly blinking back tears. “Really, it’s exactly what I wanted, thank you.”

She couldn’t tell if her parents really believed her, but either way she was grateful for their simplicity, how they both hugged her and said “you’re welcome” and didn’t ask any questions about why she probably looked like she’d just seen someone run over a puppy.

Later that night, when she was finally alone and safe behind her closed door, Mac slipped the coat on, the satin lining on the inside brushing intimately against her bare skin like she imagined fingertips would one day.

She closed her eyes and remembered back to honey and vanilla and her heart pounding against her ribcage, the sound of infectious laughter tumbling out of soft lips. She closed her eyes and imagined that every smile, every laugh, every touch had all been for her.

She closed her eyes and imagined that it was all for her.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I would like to thank Kait (imkait at tumblr, parkerlees here) for being the best beta imaginable. I'm sorry I can only write angst. I love you. You're the best.  
> 2\. The title is taken from the song "Touch" by Daughter.  
> 3\. I'm sorry and happy belated holidays...or sad belated holidays if we go by the theme of this fic.


End file.
